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Archive for April, 2007

Jessicore, frustrated law student

I’m over this shit. Water law is freaking impossible. There’s no universal rule so… what, I’m just supposed to memorize every rule for every state? Or just know “there’s absolutely no concrete rule for this fact pattern, so here is EVERY FREAKING POSSIBILITY EVER AHHHHHHHH!”

Too bad I know I’m gonna have to do the latter.

At least I figured out what makes a hostile takeover hostile today (psst, it’s if the Board rejects the offer, and the acquiring company goes ahead and tries to purchase the company anyway, or if the company doesn’t even ask, and buys all the shares on the market). Too bad it only made me more hostile.

I’m over this shit. I’m going to bed.

Rantasaurus Says: Wah, wah, wah. Back in my day, I had to walk 300 miles to law school, killing everything in my path, without a single drop of water… JessiCORE.

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Dear Bastards,

Get your cheese out of my thighs! Don’t you remember our deal? I eat all the cheese I want and it never, ever, ever shows up on my body? You promised! But no, you just keep making it more and more and more delicious and you don’t hold up your end of the bargain.

I’d like to say that I’ll stop eating your cheese, but that sounds a little harsh. Can’t we work it out?

Cheesehead

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Recently Over-Heard Near the MacArthur Maze, around 3:40 AM this morning:

Truck Driver:
My gracious! What a lovely morning. All is right with the world…

(Truck careens into guard-rail. A generous explosion.)

Oh my God. Oh my GOD! I am fired. I’m so goddamn fired.

(Freeway’s steel supports melt, span collapses leaving massive hole in the freeway.)

Seriously? Are you kidding me? I’m goin’ to jail. Sweet virgin mother, I can’t go to jail. I can NOT go to jail. I’ve got to put this fire out!

(Attempts to put out flames. Burns his face and hands, the burns are 1st and 2nd in degree.)

Aaaaaall right. Fine. Okay, know what? Fuck it. Cabbie!

(Taxi pulls up.)

Cabbie:
Jesus. You look like hell.

Truck driver:
Get me the hell out of here.

Cabbie:
Where to?

Truck Driver:
Hospital, St. Franny’s.

Cabbie:
Were you drivin’ that rig that flipped and exploded?

Truck Driver:
Yes, my good man, I was.

Cabbie:
Boy, what the hell did you do? Well what the hell happened?

Truck Driver:
What did I do? You wanna know what happened? Try this on for size. I’m crusing along, got Slopyard Jenny on cruise control, a slow but steady 47 M-P-H. I’m chowin’ down on a MoonPie, banana, and thinkin’ about how smokin’ hot it’d be if Carmen Electra were goin’ down on a geoduck. You know, one a them schlong-shaped clams? Imagine that. Carmen Electra workin’ a geoduck. So I’m droolin’ through my MoonPie, and I see this big bright shiny electrified cross in my rear-view. Best I can tell it’s the good Lord above tellin’ me to change my lustful ways and imagine Carmen Electra goin’ down on somethin’ civil like an apple, or a Bible. Well the Lord puts the spirit in my feet, tells me to dance my love into the world like that Ellen fella that has his own talk show. I get to dancin’, stompin’- PRAISE HIM! And the what not. Well my case of the spirits is puttin’ the devil in ol’ Slopyard Jenny and next thing I know my Jim Croce CD is skippin’ like a madman and I’m ploughin’ into the guard rail faster than Roger Ebert can suck down a Slurpee. Next I’ve got a fireball bigger than George W’s balls and burns up and down my self. So can you, please, for the love of the Lord that struck me down, drive your most-likely-foreign-born ass to the hospital?

Rantasaurus Says: The good Lord giveth, and the good Lord taketh away. And I wish the good Lord would giveth me a bong to rip right about now.

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Tyrantasaurus, so over it

Why is the number one site on WordPress a thing called I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER ? (From now on known as Site That Shall Not Be Named.)

Why? Why? Why? Why? It’s nonsensical pictures of stupid cats that have stupid captions on them that make no sense. Half the time it’s not even English that’s being spoken here. Yet people come and people laugh. What gives?

Is this what makes good online entertainment?

Okay, fine. I made one:

zephyr.jpg

I don’t feel any better. I mean, cats that can’t speak English? My two cats are Poet Laureates compared to the dumbass cats over on Site That Shall Not Be Named.

Rantasaurus Says: I know. I know. I can has barfed in my mouth a little bit.

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Rubbernecking

Kevin, upset driver

What is it with all these people who have to slow down and almost stop every time they drive by a goddamned car accident? Don’t you understand that if you take 3 seconds before hitting the accelerator after the car in front of you – as opposed to one second – that there will be a backup THREE TIMES AS LONG BEHIND YOU?!?!?!?

Don’t try to pretend that you’re checking to see if they need help either – the flashing lights and dozens of other cars make it perfectly clear that you don’t need to stop. Just fucking DRIVE!

My recommendation is this – For all of you assholes out there who absolutely have to watch every time you drive by a car accident, hoping to see some good gore, do the following:

1) Rent Faces of Death I, II, and III
2) Pack a bag lunch and go down to your local emergency room. Make a day of  it, and bring a fucking picnic blanket. Go from room to room munching on Doritos and commenting on how much it’s gotta hurt, pointing and gawking at all the injured and maimed people who come in. And then, finally…
3) DRIVE.

Rantasaurus Says: You haven’t seen gore until you’ve seen me just ravage some rubberneckers straight through their sunroof. I hate those traffic mongers as much as the next guy.

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Tyrantasaurus, writer/angry lady

If you’re brave enough to venture out onto the great sea that is the Internet and write a review, make sure it’s going to be helpful. Make sure it’s going to be really, really helpful.

The only review I’ve managed to write on Amazon.com, however: not helpful. I talk about high school, which is never a good idea, and then I suggest smoking weed and watching a horror movie that nobody has ever heard of, not even my friend from high school who was in it.

Probably even less helpful is a woman, Margaret Feinberg, who reviewed her own book and pretended she was someone from her target market. Her review can be found at the bottom of this page. She pretends she’s recommending it to everyone she knows (because she needs the money), and even though she’s batting for herself, her review of her own work lackluster and robotic sounding. “Have/am”? WTF?

I bet she wrote all the other reviews that are authored by “A Reader.” Naturally, however, she gives herself five stars.

The least helpful thing that people do on Amazon.com reviews, though, is comment on the order instead of the item! Like this guy. Not only did he prove himself dumb as nails, it almost seems like he was more concerned that his copy of Satanic Verses was late than what it said, what he thought about it, etc. etc.

I’m sick of reading reviews like this:

“Amazon.com, I’ve got a bone to pick with you! My copy of Borat was FIVE DAYS LATE. You even got my address incorrectly when I typed it in to you and I had to get on the phone with UPS and straighten that mess out! By the time I got done crying about how my DVD hadn’t come and about the fact that you don’t have a customer service number, helloooo!!! I was way too exhausted to watch the movie. Thanks, but no thanks. One star.”

I was able to fictionalize someone who’s gotten their own address wrong when ordering something online, by the way, because I’ve done it. Twice.

Rantasaurus Says: The Satanic Verses showed up to my house on time and I still didn’t get it.

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Jordan, financial analyst

What kills me are my family members who grill me on how much I make, and when I finally relent and tell them, they act like assholes about it.

So, assholes, from my own experience, I’ve seen that it takes these things, in this order:

1. Balls – big fucking “I’m not going to give up because you say I can’t do something” balls. Ambition will get you farther than anything else you can control. Women, you are fully capable of cock-slapping a fool, so don’t think this excludes you.

2. Brains – While a charming smile and great tits are certainly assets, if people think you are missing a chromosone every time you open your mouth, you aren’t going to make it.

3. Luck – Not getting hit by a bus or knocked up by your rapist stepfather is a big help.

4. Looks – This is waaaaay down the list. If you have at least two out of the top three going for you, then #4 is just icing on the cake.

Rantasaurus Says: If you think I’ve got great tits, you should see my charming smile.

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