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Archive for the ‘Advertising’ Category

I am sick to death of AT&T and their ‘low prices’ on DSL! The SOB’s advertise it for 14.99 a month, but, low and behold, every single time I call to them to ask about it, the suckers ALWAYS say, “This is not available in your area.” ARG

I pay 39.99 for AT&T DSL. The SAME DSL they offer ‘new customers’ for 14.99 a month! What the hell’s the deal? I am sick to death of ‘new customers’ getting all the ‘deals’. And I am sick to death of being told the offer is ‘not available’ in my area. WTF? What area IS this DSL available in – Siberia? And why do people who have absolutely NO LOYALTY to the company get the good deals? GRRRRR

AT&T has me, though, and they know it. If I don’t use their DSL service, I have to use dial-up, because no one else offers DSL where I live. (I live 3/4 of a mile out of town and that’s too far!) They had better be glad, though, because if there WERE other services available, I’d tell them, “KISS MY WHITE ASS!!!!”

Boss Brat

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Mark S, happy with his manhood 

How many more times will I get a variation of the mail-box clog about improving my manhood? I find it quite a bother to be continually told that nature forgot to endow me with the package that would make it difficult to wear a normal pair of jeans, let alone walk without a pirates peg-leg limp and that some monk sitting constipated has come up with a solution just for me.

I mean, how do they know I need help? Did the cybergeek Star Trek addict that formulated this and and other mind-numbing delete-key-deserving drivel somehow spy on me in my shower with an infrared telephoto wi-fi webcam bought at spysrus.com?

I fully understand the concept of mass advertising. But when an e-mail arrives at my mailbox, addressed to me specifically and my name used in the greeting instead of, say, an impersonal entry such as “Dear joke of a man,” I take insult.

The spammer is one of those dog-butt-sniffing, child-molesting porno star wannabees who needs to be neutered so that his progeny who will no doubt be born with less than the one brain cell and will never breathe the same air as us higher life forms. The spammer’s instrument is the one that needs recalibration, not mine.

For had he checked more thoroughly my curriculum vitae before adding me to his mail clog list, he would have known that I don’t need male enhancement. Had he surveyed the many women I known before, he would have gotten a response that would have made him seek me out for advice on how to use his tool more effectively. From the first to the latest, women who have experienced me, recall me with a returning glow of fond memory.

Rantasaurus Says: Oh, Mark, those were beautiful April nights in Paris… er…. yeah. Spam sucks.

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Noel, a doctor… really

I just love modern advertising campaigns, especially those commercials for the latest life improving pharmaceuticals. They are always so informative and filled with common sense: “Until you know how Lunesta will affect you, don’t drive or operate machinery.” I guess that means it’s good to wait until AFTER you start falling asleep to jump in the car and drive over to your local machine shop to play with the lathe and drill press at midnight.

But there are no better ads than those for erectile dysfunction medications. Those 21st century marriage savers are indeed miraculous, but watch out because “side effects may include a delayed backache.” Why didn’t I think of that? The poor bastard is finally able to have sex for the first time since 1985 and now he has a backache. Einstein would be proud.

You should also “stop taking Viagra if you experience a sudden decrease in vision.” I guess that would explain the backache since our hero has now fucked until he was blind.

And don’t forget to “seek immediate medical attention if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours.” I can hear the alarm clocks going off all over America. “Wait a second honey it’s three o’clock, where’d you put the damn car keys? Let’s go, move it! Holy crap you can’t find them? Where’s your purse, I need cab fare to the hospital!” How would you like to be the doctor on-call for that little emergency room visit? “What seems to be the problem Mr. Smith?” “Oh…I see…well I’m very happy to see you too!” I wonder what the treatment for an erection in over-time is, since the traditional antidote has obviously failed to provide relief, but I suppose there’s no harm in trying it again.

I can hear the announcement now: “This is Dr. Fine. Will the head nurse please report to exam room #1….”

Rantasaurus Says: I don’t mind it that much. Whenever that happens to me, it’s like I’ve pitched myself a mansion to live in for the evening.

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J. P., whose house if perfectly furnished thank you very much

So I’m dozing off in front of the TV (sound is set to a soothing low volume) . This is after a long tough day of suicidally soul destroying, slavelike work. Just as I begin the first of what I am hoping are a nighttime full of pleasant dreams, I hear that obnoxious voice screaming, “HI I’M BOB! MY FURNITURE IS CRAPTACULAR! IT’S AMAZINGLY CHEAP! HERE’S MY EQUALLY ANNOYING WIFE TO HELP ME HAWK THIS INFERIOR LOAD OF SHIT TO YOU, THE SLEEPING CONSUMER!” Or words similar to those.

And suddenly  I am bolt upright in bed! I am plotting Bob’s slow demise. I contemplate a suffocation death by large cushions. I also consider slamming his head in a massive imitation oak dresser drawer. Bob, for the love of God and all that is sacred! Jesus Christ on a Cracker, Bob!

Hire some professional actors to do your commercials! C’mon! You must be almost as rich as Bill Gates by now! You’re the pleather and microfiber KING by now, Bob! Go retire to a small island (far far away from me,  a microphone and TV studio) and hopefully I will never be awakened by your TOTALLY FREAKING ANNOYING VOICE AGAIN! SO COME ON DOWN BOB! COME ON DOWN!

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Before I forget, and this is very awesome, we just had business cards and promotional postcards made up. They are gorgeous!

The design is our header logo, once again by the brilliant and talented Rob Dario, but I was able to design and order the cards myself at the Kodak Creative Network.

This is an awesome service, it’s only been up and running a few months and everyone on the support team, especially Dan, is very helpful. The design software is easy to use, even though they’re working out a few kinks right now, and the prices are very generous. Since it’s a new service, there are tons of promotions available.

I’ve been using Crane and Co for my personal business cards, but for brilliant, full-color cards and promotional products, I’ll be coming back to Kodak Creative Network for a while.

Check it out!

(No, I am, albeit stupidly, not being compensated for the glowing review.)

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Lot’s of exciting things going on here at Rantasaurus Rex. We’re growing to YouTube. We’ll be posting our Rantsplosion contest winners on YouTube, starting with our contest that ends June 4th.

I’ve created a hot little promo with my magical MacBook Pro for everybody to enjoy. You like the theme song? So do I. The growl that shakes your computer at the end is actually called “Dinosaur Growl,” isn’t that neat?

Check it out!

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Tyrantasaurus, not looking to buy your stupid products

There’s a Shell station just down the street from me where I get my gas. It’s right by the freeway, super convenient, etc. etc. The one thing they did to royally screw me over was fradulently charge $100 on my credit card, but the transaction didn’t end up going through, so I was ready to let bygones be bygones.

Now they’ve done something else, and it’s unforgivable. Now they’ve put these cute little TV screens above the pump, so while I’m pumping my gas I have to listen to short ads from Jack in the Box, Shell itself and NBC, who are more than happy to share hilarious clips of their new lineup as I am their captive audience.

As far as I know, Shell is one of the only people to do this, but others can’t be far behind.

Yesterday, as I was cashing my tax return check (thank you, government!), my Bank of America ATM started hawking the Discovery Channel, of all things. Between screens, I had to listen to a flashy interstitial. Now, there are worse things to advertise than the Discovery Channel, who already has a lot of my TV-watching hours, but next time I go to the ATM it could be something more obnoxious.

Soon I’m going to have to watch spots for toothpaste while I’m tilted back in the dentist chair, ads for weight loss supplements piping in from my individual treadmil and cheerful formula commercials while I’m pushing a baby out of my crotch (by the time I get to that point in my life, that is).

What’s next? Anybody see any other ads in strange places?

Rantasaurus Says: I’m as big as a billboard, maybe I should start leasing myself out. If you see a dinosaur with a Geico banner on his side, you know where I got the idea…

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