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Archive for the ‘Body Image’ Category

So, like, wow, you have a myspace.

It just warms my heart to have you send me links to it, where I can see photos of you in various poses, pouting and finally being the fabulous international model you always hoped you would be.

And the blurb about you! The ingenuity! You say all these things that are witty and insightful, notions about life and pop culture, interspersed with things you love that make you somehow more unique and interesting than the 2 million plus other fools on the web right now. It is as though you are pointing that telescope right back at yourself, not taking yourself too seriously, when really you are just trying desperately to be cool so that you can get 15 more people to be your “friend” and litter your page with their equally inane comments on life and how hot your hair is right now.

Don’t forget to include a few well-chosen videos of yourself doing things and laughing, so that people will know how much fun you are to have around. And most importantly, have a music player that gives the website visitor no choice, but blasts out a song at high volume. It is akin to aural rape. It is downright rude.

After all your efforts to make yourself appealing, individual and hipster on your little slice of the interweb, you just come across as self-obsessed, self-absorbed, over-rated, desperately unfunny, shallow and – terribly sorry to say this – average.

Enjoy your mediocrity!

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Dr. J.A.M. DDS

How many times will I have to endure the patient whining: “I hate the dentist! Oh, but not YOU! It’s not personal.” How about this: Then don’t say it. Think before you talk for once in your pathetic, soft, privileged life.

Yes, I know shots hurt. Yes, I know Dentistry is expensive. Funny that… floss is actually inexpensive and if you used it once a day you would not be in this sad, neglected, painful state. YES, I KNOW YOU HAVE UGLY TEETH. But come now. Isn’t vanity one of the seven sins? You don’t really NEED bleaching or veneers or braces. Most people wouldn”t mutilate themselves to be “beautiful” and frankly if you want to be “beautiful” maybe you should start with some larger parts of your body.

And how smart is it to say “I don’t like dentists” when I am about to work on you? Have you considered that I may now dislike you because you are a self-centered, thoughtless @#*? An instrument may slip or I may not be so gentle with that molar you never brushed or flossed…

Dentistry is all about neglect, vanity and trauma, which are all the patient’s responsibility. I only care about doing a good job, so don’t make me forget to do it by saying stupid things.

Rantasaurus Says: Okay, so… who’s officially terrified of going to the dentist now?

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Dear America,

I want to live in a country where women and men wear robes that cover all that bulging flesh. Here is a list of things that are not attractive to see when you’re walking down the street, sitting in a restaurant, shopping in the grocery store, etc.

  1. Butt crack. No one is so attractive that they need to show this. Just say no to crack!
  2. Muffin top. By no stretch of the imagination is your big fat roll of blubber bulging over your too tight pants sexy. It’s even less sexy when you have a short shirt on and we all get a view of your stretch marks.
  3. Overly short skirts. If we can see your panties or lack there of when you make the slightest forward lean, you need to stop wearing that tube top as a skirt. Seriously, I don’t care if you shave down there or not.
  4. Tank tops. This one is for those men who are thickly furred everywhere and insist on sharing their sheddings with diners at the local McDonalds. I’ll take rat hair over sweaty armpit hair anyday.

Sincerely,
Blinded

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Dear Guy Who Blatantly Looked Over the Urinal Wall at my Junk:

What the fuck dude. What the fuck? Where do I begin with your flagrant breaches of sober urinal etiquette?

There’s the fact that you chose the one right next to me, completely ignoring the row of empty urinals. That in itself is punishable by some sort of fine somewhere in the world. Are you aware that these procedures are in place for a reason? Have you no regard for the threat of stage fright? Had I not been mid-stream, things could have potentially gotten ugly.

Then there’s your inexcusable approach. I’ll grant that sometimes mistakes are made, eyes wander, curiousity is piqued. However, you do NOT poke your head right over the goddamn wall upon initial approach to the urinal. Nor do you then make eye contact and smile.

Maybe you were just being friendly, I don’t know, but I’m sure there are better venues for that. For example, ones where my dick isn’t hanging out releasing that morning’s latte. Hey, maybe you’re into that sort of thing, if so, good for you, congratulations, that shit is hot, whatever.

Keep in mind that I’m not. One time some big lady sat on me on a bus, and yet somehow this was less comfortable.

Sam

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Elizabeth N, endowed and proud

I’ll be the first to say it, I’m a lady with a great rack. They’re not too big, not too small, just right. They’re much more than a handful and much, much more than a mouthful and I love it that way. Clothing manufacturers, though, do not.

I just came from Armani Exchange. Now, their sizes are super, super tiny so I have to go bigger to accommodate my bust. I found a dress that I absolutely loved, but they didn’t have it in my boobs’ size! It fit the rest of me just fine, but above the waist it looked absolutely stripper chic.

I don’t get it! My ladies need a little lift and a little cuddling. Why don’t summer dresses do that? Do I have to get a man to do it for me? Any takers?

Rantasaurus Says: I mean, do you really, really even need to ask?

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Catherinette Singleton, besieged on the beach

How do I begin to explain the horror that was my family trip to Florida 3 years ago. My father and step mother thought it would be grand if we could all go down there and spend some time bonding as a family.

Let me just give you a few phrases to provide you a brief description:

  1. 1. The smell that hit us when we walked into the house where I would be staying.
  2. The disgusting toilet I had to clean with a washcloth and bar soap because no one had bothered to do it before I arrived.
  3. Random children all over the house, adding to the smell.
  4. Having to watch the birth (via Cesarean section) of a child I did not know.
  5. My step-mother’s racist father that insisted that Mexicans only eat goat and tortilla. Didn’t seem to bother him that I was Mexican, and insisted that it wasn’t the case.
  6. My step-mother’s crazy mother breaking out into song, and insulting one of her daughters. Wonderful comments included, but were not limited to: “Fatty fatty 2 by 4, can’t get through the kitchen door,” “My god. I didn’t think they made swimsuits in your size,” and “I don’t think that chair can take all of your weight.”
  7. And let us not forget the convicted felon that had just been released? What was his crime? No one would tell us. All they would say is, “Best keep your little one away from him.”

Classy, classy trip. Just thinking about it makes me want to bang my head on my desk and weep openly.

Rantasaurus Rex: I know. When I went to Florida, I ate lobster, drank wine and sunbathed luxuriously, too. Wait, I think I missed the point of your story.

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Dear Loser Whore Working In Retail,

Never. Ever. Ever do you dare tell a woman customer, out of nowhere: “that dress is especially flattering.” I didn’t ask if it was flattering, and your ass wouldn’t know flat-tering if it hit you in the boobs… BAM! How you like me now, pancake?

Maxine

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