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Archive for the ‘Government’ Category

To the newly-preggers new employee,

You must think that everyone in this office is a complete idiot. We all know the gestation period for a human fetus and can all do the math. We all know that you got knocked up the same week you started working here. Batting your eyelashes and acting “suprised” about the result of your stupidity isn’t going to wash, especially with the poor sucker who has to find a replacement for you while you ride the government dime.

Creative Freakin’ Genius-a-saurus 

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Dear America,

This Memorial Day, while other Iraq war vets are remembering their tours and celebrating the commitments they made to their country and the pride of serving, I’m kicking my heels up.

This is the third time this year that I’ve been celebrated, and frankly, I’m sick of the 24-hour party on my behalf.

February was African American History Month so I got my fair share of national holiday attention then.

Fast on its heels was March, Women’s History Month, so thanks to my chromosome arrangements I got lauded yet again.

Now it’s time to celebrate my service to the Army. Gosh, you guys, whoever said being a female African American war veteran was hard hasn’t seen all the BBQ’s I’ve gone to. All the parades I’ve watched on television.

They don’t really understand what they’re celebrating, either. That’s the hardest part. They’re just happy they get time off work. Do you know what your holidays mean?

Sincerely,

Political Correctness’ Worst Nightmare

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RantyRex, a follow up to My Government Job, Part 1

Here I sit at 0030 hours at my government job. The supervisor has gone out on his 2 hour break (we get 30 minutes). The guy I work closely with is already fast asleep (he’s been here a whole 45 minutes into his shift and already asleep). Two other people aren’t even here yet theirs started 30 minutes ago.

So…..I have a couple choices of how to spend my next few hours before my lunch break. I have YouTube, Yahoo personals, Craigslist and AOL. I can go surf, or I can try to look busy in front of 4 sleeping people and 2 that will walk in anytime now and head straight for the pillows. I have work to do, but it will take me an hour to do it. All the managers they have been led to believe it takes 5.

The managers arrive at 730 do a quick walk through like they actually know what they are looking for. Either way, they look busy and in control. You can still smell the odor of drool on the desks of sleeping babes during the night. Every once in a while a fart wakes the night silence a few heads raise up and go right back down.

I see that about 250K worth of computer equipment that arrived 5 months ago is still sitting in boxes in the next room. Budget money that had to be spent, but no one knows what to do with the stuff they bought. I say flea market it myself or sell it on craigslist, I can use the $$$.

Well, this wasn’t too bad a rant, but it kept me busy for a few minutes before I go to sleep until lunchtime.

Rantasaurus Says: And RantyRex, before you go on break, make sure to have those reports… (yawn) on my…. (head hits desk)

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RantyRex, contributor extraordinaire

Yes, I admit it, I work for the local government (county job and no, I don’t hold a shovel on the side of the road). Have you heard about the lazy and “take advantage of the system” attitudes people have in government work? Because if you have, it’s all TRUE!

I work with men and women (if you can call them that), that are never to work on time. They clock in (fingerprint scanners), then walk back out across the street to get Starbucks and donuts and come back 30 minutes later. Yes, eating and drinking on taxpayer’s money.

At 0830 it’s off to the races to see who can pawn their work off on someone else the fastest before the bosses come in. Did I say “bosses?” Now there is a useless position of authority. I should say “overpaid babysitters” instead. I think each department could let the supervisors and managers go and it would all run just fine.

Sick leave….OMG. It’s a weekly epidemic of so many different “I’m not feeling well” scenarios. I’ve never seen so many sick people come back with tans and smelling like fishing bait in my life. I admit I have used sick leave, but I’m actually sick! Yet I’m sure nobody believes it because I don’t smell like bait from an all-day fishing expedition.

Let’s move on to the “disabling carpal tunnel syndrome or stub your toe at work and claim workman’s comp” people….there is one person here with over 30 (yes 30) workman’s comp claims in 20 years. In a department of 30 people, 12 are out on workman’s comp.

Do I hate my job? No, not really. Why would I hate such a precious source of amusement? I get a kick out of seeing what’s going to happen next here.

This week, I worked all by myself because everyone in my little group called in sick, had a flat tire, or their kids got eaten by a dog. I’ve heard every excuse in the book and some that aren’t in any book on the planet. Sick leave is mandatory around here. You better use it or else you get looked down upon by all the other sickos. I love it!

Wait till I get rolling on part 2!

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First, our Rantsplosion winner, with a titilating cliffhanger, is RantyRex, one of our favorite contributors, and this is no exception. Stay tuned for “My Government Job Part 1.”

Our Emergency Contest winner, writing on the topic of “I Hate Comcast,” is, without a doubt, Rantoceros, with his opus, “How Do I Loathe Thee, Comcast?”

Thank you both very much for your submissions, and everybody else for participating. In the future we will actually have… you know… prizes, but we are working on super-exclusive t-shirts.

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