Archive for the ‘Internet’ Category

I am sick to death of AT&T and their ‘low prices’ on DSL! The SOB’s advertise it for 14.99 a month, but, low and behold, every single time I call to them to ask about it, the suckers ALWAYS say, “This is not available in your area.” ARG

I pay 39.99 for AT&T DSL. The SAME DSL they offer ‘new customers’ for 14.99 a month! What the hell’s the deal? I am sick to death of ‘new customers’ getting all the ‘deals’. And I am sick to death of being told the offer is ‘not available’ in my area. WTF? What area IS this DSL available in – Siberia? And why do people who have absolutely NO LOYALTY to the company get the good deals? GRRRRR

AT&T has me, though, and they know it. If I don’t use their DSL service, I have to use dial-up, because no one else offers DSL where I live. (I live 3/4 of a mile out of town and that’s too far!) They had better be glad, though, because if there WERE other services available, I’d tell them, “KISS MY WHITE ASS!!!!”

Boss Brat


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So, like, wow, you have a myspace.

It just warms my heart to have you send me links to it, where I can see photos of you in various poses, pouting and finally being the fabulous international model you always hoped you would be.

And the blurb about you! The ingenuity! You say all these things that are witty and insightful, notions about life and pop culture, interspersed with things you love that make you somehow more unique and interesting than the 2 million plus other fools on the web right now. It is as though you are pointing that telescope right back at yourself, not taking yourself too seriously, when really you are just trying desperately to be cool so that you can get 15 more people to be your “friend” and litter your page with their equally inane comments on life and how hot your hair is right now.

Don’t forget to include a few well-chosen videos of yourself doing things and laughing, so that people will know how much fun you are to have around. And most importantly, have a music player that gives the website visitor no choice, but blasts out a song at high volume. It is akin to aural rape. It is downright rude.

After all your efforts to make yourself appealing, individual and hipster on your little slice of the interweb, you just come across as self-obsessed, self-absorbed, over-rated, desperately unfunny, shallow and – terribly sorry to say this – average.

Enjoy your mediocrity!

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Mark S, happy with his manhood 

How many more times will I get a variation of the mail-box clog about improving my manhood? I find it quite a bother to be continually told that nature forgot to endow me with the package that would make it difficult to wear a normal pair of jeans, let alone walk without a pirates peg-leg limp and that some monk sitting constipated has come up with a solution just for me.

I mean, how do they know I need help? Did the cybergeek Star Trek addict that formulated this and and other mind-numbing delete-key-deserving drivel somehow spy on me in my shower with an infrared telephoto wi-fi webcam bought at spysrus.com?

I fully understand the concept of mass advertising. But when an e-mail arrives at my mailbox, addressed to me specifically and my name used in the greeting instead of, say, an impersonal entry such as “Dear joke of a man,” I take insult.

The spammer is one of those dog-butt-sniffing, child-molesting porno star wannabees who needs to be neutered so that his progeny who will no doubt be born with less than the one brain cell and will never breathe the same air as us higher life forms. The spammer’s instrument is the one that needs recalibration, not mine.

For had he checked more thoroughly my curriculum vitae before adding me to his mail clog list, he would have known that I don’t need male enhancement. Had he surveyed the many women I known before, he would have gotten a response that would have made him seek me out for advice on how to use his tool more effectively. From the first to the latest, women who have experienced me, recall me with a returning glow of fond memory.

Rantasaurus Says: Oh, Mark, those were beautiful April nights in Paris… er…. yeah. Spam sucks.

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Lindy, a loyal FedEx customer 

I’d like to give a big ol’ shout out to UPS!

It starts with “FUCK” and ends with “YOU.” Wait, well I guess that would be the entire thing. FUCK YOU!! There, don’t I feel better.

This is the SECOND time in a row that I have used thier online package pick-up and deliver service (at work). And for the second time IN A ROW no truck has shown up.

I called this morning to see wtf and I followed my usual rule of being polite and cheerful because I know that it’s not the fault of the lady on the phone. I calmly and professionally explained that we were supposed to have a truck come yesterday, one never showed up and that I needed some assistance in getting one here.

The lady on the phone then proceeded to tell me that my package had already been picked up. Gee. Ummmmmm, well that’s funny because I’m LOOKING AT IT RIGHT NOW! But I know she was reading from a screen telling her so. So I politely informed her once again that no, I’m sorry it’s still here.

At this point this bitch (why yes, she is a bitch now, not a lady) proceeded to give me a lecture about being careful when we put multiple packages out on the dock because it can confuse the driver and they might take the wrong one – which she is sure happened yesterday.

What? WHAT THE FUCK??? I only had ONE FUCKING PACKAGE in the first place you SKANK! And if I DID have more than one package those fuckers JOB is to differentiate between package A and B. Gosh OH NO!!! What if there is a package C!!! What will we DO?!?! The sky will fall!!!

No! You dumb bitch. Those drivers do a damn good job, they can figure this shit out just fine thank-you, it’s your company’s STOOOPID fucking worthless website that fucks things up. Your website that didn’t forget to CHARGE us even though it was never going to send a truck.

So FUCK YOU and your panty-waste, whored-out, syphilitic website!

Rantasaurus Says: One time I tried to send a T-Rex egg UPS. It hatched in transit and now I’m blacklisted. So be thankful, Lindy. Thankful!

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Open letter to the girl they call Aman-DUH,

Ok, so I get it. You’re young, immature, wet behind the ears… whatever ridiculous euphemism you wish to inject here.But you’ve been at the company for almost a year and I honestly think, in that time, you have managed to get even dumber.

It seems like you should’ve gotten the hang of things by now, but each day, you continue to amaze me. Firstly, the cell phone. Honey, it’s gotta go. Nobody important is going to call you from 9am to 5pm, and honestly, we’re all a little sick of hearing your annoying Nickleback ring tone full blast every time your phone rings. Tell your friends you’ll call them back. You can set up your playdates on your own time.

Oh, and you know those things called titles, inspections, and insurance statements? Yeah, they’re kind of important. How about instead of talking on the phone/making baby shower invitations/flirting with the guys/playing on the internet, you consider making them a priority? Oh, and let’s try not losing them and blaming them on customers or other employees too, mmmkay?

The biggest thing I’d REALLY love for you to understand, however, is that Daisy Dukes and flip flops is not “work appropriate” attire. Just a hint – when everyone else is wearing khakis and business casual clothes, it’s not cool for you to look like you’re heading off to the beach. This isn’t Billy Bob’s Smoke, Video, and Bait Shop. I like to think that customers expect a little bit more from us. I don’t think you want to give a customer a full moon when you bend over to get their title out of the file cabinet. Or maybe you do. Hell, I don’t know…

But, I try, I really do try not to just haul off and slug you right in the face in the name of complete and utter stupidity. And it’s obvious that you’re not going anywhere soon, because you’re cute/you flirt/the boss doesn’t want to hurt your feelings/he doesn’t want to have to train somebody else/he wants to sleep with you, or whatever reason you are still working for the company.

Anyways, I will continue to burrow my resentment, pasting on my fake smile and pretending I’m interested in what you have to say, because after all, what difference does it make? We’re all in this together…

With love, Amy

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Joe Bauer, spelling “eyeronic”

I’m sick and tyred of posts on the intirnet filld with mispellings!

Can’t you lasy people get it right? Do you realize how much of my presious time I lose stumbling over your mronic misques? How did any of you ever make it through sofomore english!

The poor educations and ignorance of our pupulation is so expozed with these embarasssing entries!

Gaaad…take an adult english class or somethign WILL YA?

No wonder people in other cuntries think Americans are dumm!

I am ashamd to even have to corespond with you speling retards! GET A SPELING LIFE !!!

I’m dislexic and I STILL spel corectly…WHAY CAN’T YOU???

Rantasaurus Says: Intristing. Berry, berry intristing.

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Amy, spider warrior

IRXVII: a spider demon tried to kill me last night
IRXVII: first, i was at my desk on the computer
IRXVII: all depressed
IRXVII: and the bastard tried to latch onto my arm
IRXVII: to suck the life out of me
IRXVII: good thing my chair has wheels, i was able to throw myself away from the desk in time
IRXVII: so it scurried away to the abyss
IRXVII: then, im on my bed on the phone..
IRXVII: maybe half an hour tops after the desk incident
IRXVII: and there it was
IRXVII: stalking me from above
IRXVII: so i do what any normal person would
IRXVII: when they are being stalked by a dark specimen
IRXVII : i grab a tuna can
IRXVII: (or three, in a box)
IRXVII : and slam it onto the wall, where it was resting
IRXVII: but aha, the douche is quicker than i thought
IRXVII: and teleported from the wall to the ceiling in a split second
IRXVII : i miss, and drop the can SCREAMING
IRXVII: the person on the phone is amused..
IRXVII: spider falls to its doom (my floor)
IRXVII: or more like LEAPED
IRXVII: because it crawled up my wall
IRXVII: again
IRXVII: so i see it crawl up my wall, and i promptly put the phone down, and look for the tuna
IRXVII: couldnt find the tuna, so i grab the next best thing: air freshener
IRXVII : i figure, something so evil can’t resist the mighty powers of cleanliness
IRXVII: in a can
IRXVII: so there i am…balancing on one foot on the corner of my bed (i pulled the bed about 3 ft from the wall)
IRXVII: spraying the devil with the air freshener
IRXVII : and it STILL was moving
IRXVII: so i continue spraying a while….
IRXVII: then find the can o tuna box
IRXVII: and smoosh the fuck out of it
IRXVII: three times i slam the can on the wall
IRXVII : then i held it against the wall and rubbed it in for good luck
IRXVII: i proceed to throw the can out of my window, yelling “SPAWN OF SATAN!!”
IRXVII: then finish my conversation
IRXVII: /end rant
Monica: XD
Monica: did that really happen?
IRXVII: yes.
IRXVII: there is a stain on my wall from the air freshener streaming down it
Monica: XD

Rantasaurus Says: One time I threw something at a spider and it went through my wall, through my neighbor’s cat (sorry Mittens) and through my neighbor’s bathroom…. and the things I saw in there… well… let’s say I use bug spray now.

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