Archive for the ‘Media’ Category

Dear Cell Phone Company,

In the next few days you will be receiving a package from me containing the
remnants of my cell phone. You see, I ran over it with my car today and
thought you would appreciate the pieces. Please feel free to place them in
whatever uncomfortable orifice you feel is most appropriate at the time.

At last, I’ve reached the frayed end of my very short patience with your lack
of competency in the technological advancement department. I realize that
my apartment is located over a direct portal to the underworld, but I should
not have to turn into a Verizon commercial every time I need to make a call.
I grow weary of having to stand in one particular corner of one particular
room, stand on one leg, raise my arm over my head, on the peak of the full
moon and keep the antenna at a 45 degree angle at all times. And now it is
not only my apartment, but the grocery store, the mall, the interstate, the
bar, and apparently the drycleaners.

People are beginning to talk about my screaming into the phone. “Do you think it’s turned on?” They whisper. “Perhaps we should call the police?” Is this your not so subtle way of
telling me that I should go back to a landline or that I talk on the phone
too much? That’s a little passive aggressive, if you ask me. My mother
would be proud of your tactics, but I’m not amused. So, since you find no
fault with your little piece of slave-labor-assembled, imported plastic and
mysterious alloy piece of crap I am returning it to you.

Don’t bother trying to reach me. I’m currently on the phone with Hell to arrange for a
better service plan.

Can You Hear Me?


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Dear MySpace world,

I am posting this because I am absolutely disgusted, and I believe that you should know. I don’t care if you think I’m a terrible person, but I think that this is absolutely horrible.

I saw a bulletin headed “girl raped in [my city]….” and was instantly worried. Was it true? Of course it must be. Why would someone post such a horrible lie? Was it someone I knew? Even worse–what if it was a friend?

I opened the bulletin, and to my dismay, was confronted with a story I had seen before (very likely fictional) about a young girl named Diane who is saved from being raped because she prayed to God. Unfortunately, the woman following twenty minutes after Diane was apparently not quite as pious and was brutally raped. Next comes the tale of how Diane was inspired by the grace of God to go to the police station and identified the man that would have raped her, had God not been on her side.

At the end of the story comes a message:

“Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you’re never alone. Did you know that 98% of teenagers will not stand up for God?

Repost this as A GIRL RAPED IN (your city) if you truly believe in God..,

PS: God is always there in your heart and loves you no matter what
“If you deny me in front of your friends, I shall deny you in front of my Father”

93% won’t repost this.”

I highly doubt those are factual statistics, and if they are, you know WHY? Because most people have a sense of decency. Rape is not something to joke or make glib bulletins about.

To everyone who read it and found the story in the message inspirational, good for you. More power to you, I have no issue with a message that many people may find uplifting.

But to anyone stupid enough to repost this under that Subject heading…shame on you. I don’t personally know anyone who’s been raped, but I at least have enough common sense and empathy not to post a bulletin that is so blatantly insensitive.


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Amy, would rather watch “Hey Paula”

So, you see all this shit about Victoria Beckham on TV and the Internet? She’s the one who was “Posh Spice” in the Spice Girls (back in the day), married David Beckham, the soccer star…Well, they are giving her her own TV show, “Coming to America” and they’re blowing up the net with photos and media bullshit about her photo shoot….blah blah blah…….

Excuse me for a minute, but since when did anybody give a rat’s ass?? She’s just some snobby annoying 90’s pop singer who married into some money, and we’re supposed to be enthralled with her every move? I would rather listen to them talk about Lindsay Lohan’s rehab adventures or Pantyless Paris…..jeez…….

Rantasaurus Says: Actually, Amy, according to the very reliable news source, Us Weekly, that came in the mail yesterday, 39% of Americans care, okay?

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J. P., whose house if perfectly furnished thank you very much

So I’m dozing off in front of the TV (sound is set to a soothing low volume) . This is after a long tough day of suicidally soul destroying, slavelike work. Just as I begin the first of what I am hoping are a nighttime full of pleasant dreams, I hear that obnoxious voice screaming, “HI I’M BOB! MY FURNITURE IS CRAPTACULAR! IT’S AMAZINGLY CHEAP! HERE’S MY EQUALLY ANNOYING WIFE TO HELP ME HAWK THIS INFERIOR LOAD OF SHIT TO YOU, THE SLEEPING CONSUMER!” Or words similar to those.

And suddenly  I am bolt upright in bed! I am plotting Bob’s slow demise. I contemplate a suffocation death by large cushions. I also consider slamming his head in a massive imitation oak dresser drawer. Bob, for the love of God and all that is sacred! Jesus Christ on a Cracker, Bob!

Hire some professional actors to do your commercials! C’mon! You must be almost as rich as Bill Gates by now! You’re the pleather and microfiber KING by now, Bob! Go retire to a small island (far far away from me,  a microphone and TV studio) and hopefully I will never be awakened by your TOTALLY FREAKING ANNOYING VOICE AGAIN! SO COME ON DOWN BOB! COME ON DOWN!

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Dear Amazon.com,

Please stop e-mailing me about Dean Koontz’s new book. I don’t care. You tell me that I’ll like this one because of how much I enjoyed his other books, and I wonder why you think that? Dean Koontz is a fucking tool box, and I’d rather sit through Daniel Steel’s whole library before I ever read one of his books. I have never read one of his books, and I sure as hell am not going to start with The Good Guy (Kill Me Instead).

Dean Koontz’s books are about as interesting as Wheel of Fortune, and Koontzy himself is a total fucking douche bag. I met the asshole at a book signing once when I worked at Borders. Oh, and by meet I mean told him which way the john was while he stared at my sixteen-year-old tits.

If you think I’ll like this book just because my wish list has an overabundance of graphic novels, well I have to inform you otherwise. Reading graphic novels does not a 30-something sales rep with a 6th grade reading level make. Graphic novels are about pretty pictures and Alan-Moore-esq theological debate. They are not your big brother’s thrillers and murder mysteries. Get over it.

Oh, and if this is all about me being in Law School, I WILL FUCKING STAB YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.

very truly yous,

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Sam, deja vu at the movies

You know what I hate?

Excessive sequels.  The following are some of the major sequels coming out this year alone:  Spiderman 3, Shrek 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Harry Potter 5, Fantastic Four 2, 28 Weeks Later (2nd), Ocean’s 13 (3rd), Evan Almighty (2nd), The Bourne Ultimatum (3rd), Hostel 2, Die Hard 4, Saw 4.

I’d like to point out that most are on 3 OR MORE.  I mean…holy shit.  Sometimes I wonder if movie studios will make sequels of a series up until every single main actor/actress is dead.  At which point sequels will just be a bunch of clips from the prior movies edited together and released at the same time as the original.  Worst of all, I will be in line for almost every one of them.

Rantasaurus Says: Thanks Sam, maybe we’ll run into each other next summer at Legally Blonde 37, Arthritis and Atkins. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

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Dear America,

This Memorial Day, while other Iraq war vets are remembering their tours and celebrating the commitments they made to their country and the pride of serving, I’m kicking my heels up.

This is the third time this year that I’ve been celebrated, and frankly, I’m sick of the 24-hour party on my behalf.

February was African American History Month so I got my fair share of national holiday attention then.

Fast on its heels was March, Women’s History Month, so thanks to my chromosome arrangements I got lauded yet again.

Now it’s time to celebrate my service to the Army. Gosh, you guys, whoever said being a female African American war veteran was hard hasn’t seen all the BBQ’s I’ve gone to. All the parades I’ve watched on television.

They don’t really understand what they’re celebrating, either. That’s the hardest part. They’re just happy they get time off work. Do you know what your holidays mean?


Political Correctness’ Worst Nightmare

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