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Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Amy, would rather watch “Hey Paula”

So, you see all this shit about Victoria Beckham on TV and the Internet? She’s the one who was “Posh Spice” in the Spice Girls (back in the day), married David Beckham, the soccer star…Well, they are giving her her own TV show, “Coming to America” and they’re blowing up the net with photos and media bullshit about her photo shoot….blah blah blah…….

Excuse me for a minute, but since when did anybody give a rat’s ass?? She’s just some snobby annoying 90’s pop singer who married into some money, and we’re supposed to be enthralled with her every move? I would rather listen to them talk about Lindsay Lohan’s rehab adventures or Pantyless Paris…..jeez…….

Rantasaurus Says: Actually, Amy, according to the very reliable news source, Us Weekly, that came in the mail yesterday, 39% of Americans care, okay?

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RantyRex, doesn’t want to save the whales

Can we just talk about the circus that was going on these last few weeks because of the whales lost in the San Francisco bay? The coast guard mandates a 500 yard cushion around the whales so no one bothers them or distracts them in boats. They also mandate a 1500 elevation and 3 mile no fly zone so no aircraft bother the lost whales…

YET….

They have 20 boats within 100 yards with people banging pipes 14 hours a day at the whales, playing loud whale music, playing killer whale sounds and God knows what else. NOW they are going to have fire hoses hitting them to try and move them. What’s next? Dynomite thrown near them?

Now I don’t know what the “scientists” call distractions, but I think the whales want to be left alone. I’m sure they are thinking: “What the hell are these humans trying to do to us. We swam upstream to get away from some sharks and fishing boats and we get hit with all this crap now?”

I’m about ready to mount a harpoon on my Ranger bass boat and go drag ’em out to sea myself as I’m tired of hearing what the “experts” are going to do next not to distract them and get them to move along the right way.

Man always has to interfere in what he thinks is the right way. Funny how the whales seem to think man doesn’t have a friggin clue!

I have a clue for all you expert scientists out there whale watching: Go back home and get some sleep.

Rantasaurus Says: Luckily, you can give your harpboat a rest. The whales made it out to sea. In their wake, angry scientists yanked out of the limelight are selling tapes of whale calls on eBay.

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Dear America,

This Memorial Day, while other Iraq war vets are remembering their tours and celebrating the commitments they made to their country and the pride of serving, I’m kicking my heels up.

This is the third time this year that I’ve been celebrated, and frankly, I’m sick of the 24-hour party on my behalf.

February was African American History Month so I got my fair share of national holiday attention then.

Fast on its heels was March, Women’s History Month, so thanks to my chromosome arrangements I got lauded yet again.

Now it’s time to celebrate my service to the Army. Gosh, you guys, whoever said being a female African American war veteran was hard hasn’t seen all the BBQ’s I’ve gone to. All the parades I’ve watched on television.

They don’t really understand what they’re celebrating, either. That’s the hardest part. They’re just happy they get time off work. Do you know what your holidays mean?

Sincerely,

Political Correctness’ Worst Nightmare

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Dear International News Media,

Recently there has been an surge in strange animal activity. At times these stories have a definite impact upon the state of our planet, the birth of nearly extinct animals, the loss of another species, and the like, while at others, these stories are geared directly at my worst nightmares.

In the past few months there were stories about an anaconda which has been stealing goats and small children. The creature was caught by a grandfather trying to stop the animal from digesting his grandson. The appropriate photographs of the school age child were included, as was the grandfather, and the monstorous snake body. I mistakenly believed that anacondas did not eat people, especially not people larger than a grown goat. Thank you for informing me otherwise.

Last week was the story about the crocodile that attacked the State Trooper’s vehicle. I was always under the impression that you were safe from crocodiles if you remained inside a locked, and moving, vehicle. I know recognize my mistake. Crodociles will attack, disable, and attempt to devour your vehicle on the way to getting to your meaty human flesh. I will sleep better at night.

There have been stories of people stung by scorpions during the middle of an international flight and also while in the grocery store shopping for fruit. While I had always believed scorpions to be outdoor creature, not prone to airports or fruitstands, I now know better. I once had to kill a very large and quite deadly scorpion in order to save my dog’s life. It was a horrible experience, the crunching and the clawing, the way it would not die – it is one I do not wish to repeat. I now know to always be on the alert. The next time I board a plane I will thoroughly check my seat cushions prior to take off so the flight attendant can dispose of any scorpions for me.

Then today was the article that brought me back to my child hood fears. It related to a few other stories I recently saw that have yet to leave my conscious thought. They deal with old childhood stories about small insects and other bugs making a home out of your nose, ear, hair, or skin.

There was recently a story of about someone who went to the doctor for a rather unusual skin distrubance. As the doctor poked and prodded the skin it errupted and hundreds of baby spiders made it’s way down the obliging incubator’s neck. Now, I don’t suppose any of the waiting patients remained in their rooms after hearing the multitude of screams and the resulting level of hysteria, but I could be wrong. As you have shown me so recently, I frequently am.

And today, well, today you were kind enough to headline the story about the young boy who heard the crackling noises of a pair of spiders taking a walk through of their new home, his eardrum. Unfortunately the doctor had to irrigate his ear canal to discover the spiders and in the process killed one, and destroyed their home, so you were not actually able to provide the relevant photos with this story.

I would like to thank you, International News Agencies, for bringing back my childhood fears and nightmares. As I had grown and matured I convinced myself these fears were irrational old tales told to scare one another at a sleep over – you have now taken that magical world aware for all future children who will have to find more creative and disgusting ways to scare on another at a sleepover, and opened my eyes to the fact that yes, sometimes children are smarter than adults, some adults are just living in a dream world, thinking that disease, fires, wars, and famine are the frightening things in live. While they may be frightening, I fear it is far more likely some spider will appropriate my body while I sleep and months later I will give birth to a litter of mutant spider babies.

Sleep well my friends,

Juniper Jen

 

boy-snakebite.jpg

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RantyRex, world’s best submitter

Why on earth can’t these guys predict the weather any better? They find it nearly impossible to predict the next day, yet they’re forecasting next week’s weather. I can look out my window and predict more accurately than the guys with their computers and satellites.

Then the floods come. Why weren’t we warned? We tried to predict them, but you gotta admit: floods happen every winter, so whats the problem here? You think this year you weren’t going to get flooded?

The only thing they can accurately predict is the sun coming up and going down, but I bet they have a computer telling them that, too.

 Rantasaurus Rex: You know, I spent about two million years hating Velocoraptor, our weather guy, for being unable to predict that comet that wiped all my friends out. Then I realized… that comet got his ass too!

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RantyRex, unplugged citizen

I find myself watching news less and less. It has come to the point no news is good news. The news media has invading every niche there is and constantly bombards the public with their nonsense approach to what THEY think we need to hear about.

I went 2 weeks without turning my television, the internet or picking up a newspaper. Guess what!!!! I didn’t miss a thing!

The public has become addicted to news reporting. The public is missing the finer things in life when they are so engrossed in things that matter not at all to them. It’s a shame that people are led down this road of being told what they need to hear from all media.

Rantasaurus Rex: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Fox News, my lifeline may actually be lying to me?

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Recently Over-Heard Near the MacArthur Maze, around 3:40 AM this morning:

Truck Driver:
My gracious! What a lovely morning. All is right with the world…

(Truck careens into guard-rail. A generous explosion.)

Oh my God. Oh my GOD! I am fired. I’m so goddamn fired.

(Freeway’s steel supports melt, span collapses leaving massive hole in the freeway.)

Seriously? Are you kidding me? I’m goin’ to jail. Sweet virgin mother, I can’t go to jail. I can NOT go to jail. I’ve got to put this fire out!

(Attempts to put out flames. Burns his face and hands, the burns are 1st and 2nd in degree.)

Aaaaaall right. Fine. Okay, know what? Fuck it. Cabbie!

(Taxi pulls up.)

Cabbie:
Jesus. You look like hell.

Truck driver:
Get me the hell out of here.

Cabbie:
Where to?

Truck Driver:
Hospital, St. Franny’s.

Cabbie:
Were you drivin’ that rig that flipped and exploded?

Truck Driver:
Yes, my good man, I was.

Cabbie:
Boy, what the hell did you do? Well what the hell happened?

Truck Driver:
What did I do? You wanna know what happened? Try this on for size. I’m crusing along, got Slopyard Jenny on cruise control, a slow but steady 47 M-P-H. I’m chowin’ down on a MoonPie, banana, and thinkin’ about how smokin’ hot it’d be if Carmen Electra were goin’ down on a geoduck. You know, one a them schlong-shaped clams? Imagine that. Carmen Electra workin’ a geoduck. So I’m droolin’ through my MoonPie, and I see this big bright shiny electrified cross in my rear-view. Best I can tell it’s the good Lord above tellin’ me to change my lustful ways and imagine Carmen Electra goin’ down on somethin’ civil like an apple, or a Bible. Well the Lord puts the spirit in my feet, tells me to dance my love into the world like that Ellen fella that has his own talk show. I get to dancin’, stompin’- PRAISE HIM! And the what not. Well my case of the spirits is puttin’ the devil in ol’ Slopyard Jenny and next thing I know my Jim Croce CD is skippin’ like a madman and I’m ploughin’ into the guard rail faster than Roger Ebert can suck down a Slurpee. Next I’ve got a fireball bigger than George W’s balls and burns up and down my self. So can you, please, for the love of the Lord that struck me down, drive your most-likely-foreign-born ass to the hospital?

Rantasaurus Says: The good Lord giveth, and the good Lord taketh away. And I wish the good Lord would giveth me a bong to rip right about now.

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