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Archive for the ‘Paranoia’ Category

Dear Guy Who Blatantly Looked Over the Urinal Wall at my Junk:

What the fuck dude. What the fuck? Where do I begin with your flagrant breaches of sober urinal etiquette?

There’s the fact that you chose the one right next to me, completely ignoring the row of empty urinals. That in itself is punishable by some sort of fine somewhere in the world. Are you aware that these procedures are in place for a reason? Have you no regard for the threat of stage fright? Had I not been mid-stream, things could have potentially gotten ugly.

Then there’s your inexcusable approach. I’ll grant that sometimes mistakes are made, eyes wander, curiousity is piqued. However, you do NOT poke your head right over the goddamn wall upon initial approach to the urinal. Nor do you then make eye contact and smile.

Maybe you were just being friendly, I don’t know, but I’m sure there are better venues for that. For example, ones where my dick isn’t hanging out releasing that morning’s latte. Hey, maybe you’re into that sort of thing, if so, good for you, congratulations, that shit is hot, whatever.

Keep in mind that I’m not. One time some big lady sat on me on a bus, and yet somehow this was less comfortable.

Sam

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To reach Rantasaurus, somebody Googled:

“what to do if your head explodes?”

Now… I’d hate to… um… break the news but… I doubt you’d be able to do anything. It’s not exactly something you can dust off and walk away from.

Thankfully, nor is it something, at least in my understanding, that happens too often. The concern may be unfounded but take two asprin and call me in the morning.

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Dear International News Media,

Recently there has been an surge in strange animal activity. At times these stories have a definite impact upon the state of our planet, the birth of nearly extinct animals, the loss of another species, and the like, while at others, these stories are geared directly at my worst nightmares.

In the past few months there were stories about an anaconda which has been stealing goats and small children. The creature was caught by a grandfather trying to stop the animal from digesting his grandson. The appropriate photographs of the school age child were included, as was the grandfather, and the monstorous snake body. I mistakenly believed that anacondas did not eat people, especially not people larger than a grown goat. Thank you for informing me otherwise.

Last week was the story about the crocodile that attacked the State Trooper’s vehicle. I was always under the impression that you were safe from crocodiles if you remained inside a locked, and moving, vehicle. I know recognize my mistake. Crodociles will attack, disable, and attempt to devour your vehicle on the way to getting to your meaty human flesh. I will sleep better at night.

There have been stories of people stung by scorpions during the middle of an international flight and also while in the grocery store shopping for fruit. While I had always believed scorpions to be outdoor creature, not prone to airports or fruitstands, I now know better. I once had to kill a very large and quite deadly scorpion in order to save my dog’s life. It was a horrible experience, the crunching and the clawing, the way it would not die – it is one I do not wish to repeat. I now know to always be on the alert. The next time I board a plane I will thoroughly check my seat cushions prior to take off so the flight attendant can dispose of any scorpions for me.

Then today was the article that brought me back to my child hood fears. It related to a few other stories I recently saw that have yet to leave my conscious thought. They deal with old childhood stories about small insects and other bugs making a home out of your nose, ear, hair, or skin.

There was recently a story of about someone who went to the doctor for a rather unusual skin distrubance. As the doctor poked and prodded the skin it errupted and hundreds of baby spiders made it’s way down the obliging incubator’s neck. Now, I don’t suppose any of the waiting patients remained in their rooms after hearing the multitude of screams and the resulting level of hysteria, but I could be wrong. As you have shown me so recently, I frequently am.

And today, well, today you were kind enough to headline the story about the young boy who heard the crackling noises of a pair of spiders taking a walk through of their new home, his eardrum. Unfortunately the doctor had to irrigate his ear canal to discover the spiders and in the process killed one, and destroyed their home, so you were not actually able to provide the relevant photos with this story.

I would like to thank you, International News Agencies, for bringing back my childhood fears and nightmares. As I had grown and matured I convinced myself these fears were irrational old tales told to scare one another at a sleep over – you have now taken that magical world aware for all future children who will have to find more creative and disgusting ways to scare on another at a sleepover, and opened my eyes to the fact that yes, sometimes children are smarter than adults, some adults are just living in a dream world, thinking that disease, fires, wars, and famine are the frightening things in live. While they may be frightening, I fear it is far more likely some spider will appropriate my body while I sleep and months later I will give birth to a litter of mutant spider babies.

Sleep well my friends,

Juniper Jen

 

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RantyRex, the man with the mysterious rash

I was taking a piss a little while ago and in walks some guy to the stall next to me. He spent the next 5 minutes putting at least 3 of those paper ass gaskets down on the toilet seat. I could hear him adjusting them making sure there was no part of that toilet seat showing. I could tell he was in a hurry to take his morning consitutional the way he was moving quickly through the door and into the stall, yet he then spent 5 minutes on the cover-up…

I have to ask myself why does anyone even bother to use these things? The only thing I ever used one for was at a BBQ joint as a kid when I didn’t want my new church shirt/tie to get dirty. I used it as a bib.

Whatever bugs or germs are on that toilet seat will get you even if you cover it up. I mean, c’mon, it’s like washing your hands after you take a piss. You dont wash your hands after a piss uless you piss all over them or your dick is so dirty you have to wash them after touching it.

I just don’t understand people’s fear of toilet seat germs!

Rantasaurus Says: I’d hate to admit it in such a public venue, but my arms to short to even… wipe.

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Dear cats,

I’ve tried and tried and you’re still meowing, hounding me, following me with your little eyes. What more do you want from me? Do you want my blood?

James

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