Archive for the ‘Success’ Category

R. Rhemus Reefer, ghost writer extraordinaire

Is there something important you need to put in writing but you just don’t have the time or energy to get it done? Do you know what needs to be said but you can’t get it from your head to the paper? Is it a “Dog eat dog” world and you’re wearing Milk Bone underwear? If you answered “Yes” tothese questions, then you need the Ghost Writer!

Your caffeine-laden days are long enough without the worry of how you’re going to sneak up on your keyboard. You know what you have to do and you avoid it, but once again that blank monitor screen mocks you like an unforgiving ex-wife! You have enough to worry about. I mean, when was the last time you enjoyed a meal that wasn’t served to you through your car window after shouting your disgusting order into the nightmarish face of some monstrous clown, a mutant chicken head, or a fearsome twelve foot taco? It’s time to slow down because your personal Ghost Writer is here to help!

You Ghost Writer specializes in:

Ransom Demands – Hate Letters – Love Letters
Prescription Fraud – Welfare Scams
Divorce Papers – Prenuptial Agreements – Check Forging
Identity Theft – Marriage Vows
Bank Robbery Notes – Letters to Santa Claus
Letters to God, Moses, and Satan…


When the time comes, your personal Ghost Writer will be there for you in your darkest hour as you mourn the passing of a loved one. Put your order in early for a custom eulogy that is guaranteed to elicit tears from a stone! And for the same low fee (and a thirty day notice) the Ghost Writer will deliver your deluxe eulogy in person!

Do you need to tell that “Special Someone” to take a hike but you’re at a loss for just the right expletives? Your worries are over when you choose from Ghost Writer’s “Kick him/her to the curb” specials!

And like the Ghost Writer are you tired of the typical, boring, and time worn cardboard sentiments of the usual love-themed greeting card? You’ll be able to jump start the romance you so richly deserve when you make a selection from Ghost Writers “Ghost With the Most” birthday, Valentine, and anniversary collections!

Do you ever wonder what would’ve happened way back in April of 1865 if Abraham Lincoln had octopus tentacles instead of a beard? Think Honest Abe would’ve been able to disarm John Wilkes Booth and still be able to applaud the play? Now you can sit back and let me type that best seller!

You can rest easy knowing that the Ghost Writer will use all his powers and all his skills so your satisfaction is not just a ghost of a chance! For your convenicence, your troubles are over sooner when you try our new drive-up window for even faster service!

Rantasaurus Says: Um, can you also run a website? Daddy Rexie just needs a few days at the ol’ spa. I’m achin’ for a mani-pedi.


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Dear Douche-Chill,

Okay. I need to get this off my chest. Dude, you make so much money. Like, so much money. I don’t do too bad for myself, but you’re in sales and I’m not. So, whenever we go out for drinks after work, would it kill you to buy me some stuff?

That sounds like something a girl would say, but seriously. I know how much you make and it’s shocking. Shocking. Then, I’m hoping you’ll buy me a beer, but more often than not, you lie and say you left your card at the office and you make me foot the bill.

I’ve got holes in my pants and my bank statement looks like the stock market in 1929! You just bought a new car and you don’t want to pay for a lousy round of drinks?

You, sir, are a chump.

Nathan C.

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Jen F, truth front and center

When it comes to troubled kids, gang members, absenteeism, and other juvenile delinquent activities I don’t believe a mother’s age today is either an excuse or the problem. It also makes no difference if the mother is single or not. Troubled kids have parents of all ages, married or not.

It is easy to look at somebody else’s life and see how they are doing things wrong, but in a single Mom’s effort to get through school, obtain an education, and secure a career – versus the McDonalds drive thru/welfare route – is it so hard to see she’s trying to do something right – provide her family financial security, model life as a student – showing that hard work and home work lead to tangible rewards and personal accomplishments, all while reinforcing the struggles and difficulties you go through as a young mother, left on her own, trying to get ahead in life?

If you stay home then you’re a welfare mom, probably on drugs with a ton of men in and out, the bane of society, sucking up all the working people’s taxes and depriving them of expected benefits, but if you work full time and return to school – then you’re abandoning your kids and neglecting your parental duties. It’s a Catch-22. Now you’re a bad mother because you make them catch a bus instead of driving, you’re not the chaperone for field trips or dances, you’re not there when school lets out, driving car pool and baking cookies timed so they’ve cooled just enough for the chocolate to still be warm when they walk through the front door, and you don’t follow it up with a gourmet dinner from scratch.

Any young woman who fully understood the consequences of her actions, would not consciously choose to become a teen mother. The fact that I was a pregnant teenager is not a reflection on who I am today, but more a reflection that during my teen years, I was a teenager, and as can be expected of teenagers, was irresponsible, did not fully think things through or understand consequences. Immaturity and irresponsibility while a teen can be expected, that is not a reflection in any way of the mature adult and responsible parent I am today.

So if you won’t even let me look at your rental because I’m a young looking mother -even though I’m offering a year in advance plus double security; if you want to use me as a face to face example of a smart girl who failed to meet her potential for your college bound daughter; if you want to treat my child as a leper since only one parent lives at home; if you want to cut us off in the grocery line and give me dirty looks while muttering “shameful”, if you want to refuse to allow your child to associate with mine outside of school because you saw me out with my best male friend, then my brother, and then my cousin (HOT! Check out joeclopton.com) and assumed I was a whore…

If you want to flat out refuse to accept my housing application and tell me it’s because you don’t want to be associated with “all that stuff” – which you explained to be code for: drugs, broken walls, police calls, missed rent, and men in and out at all hours, etc – while I stand in front of you with my straight A student, my new car, my credit app, my law school books, long-term employment history, personal recommendations from previous landlords, and in my coaching gear as I was on the way to a game – if you want to be an ignorant, narrow minded, hate-filled waste of molecules – well go ahead.

I’m not gonna stand in your way. I’m just gonna tell my Mom. Wait – Mom already knows. I’m gonna tell the WWW instead you big meanie! Ummbaaa! You’re in trouble now!!!

Rantasaurus Says: Jen, you are one kick-ass lady. Thanks for the rant… and giving us all something to think about.

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Jen F, a most satisfied customer

I got a card with Juniper Bank, Apple’s financing company, about a year ago. Soon thereafter I tried to access it online and couldn’t create an account. I called them to find out why and I was able to learn that my social is wrong. I asked them to fix it, they said ok. They didn’t. I called back – “please fix it,” they didn’t. I wrote – same story.

After many months I was getting pissed and called up again to discuss their incompetence – and the kind man on the phone said:

“Hey, it’s not your social right, so don’t pay the bill.”

I was rather confused and he explained, “If it’s not your social it’s not your credit report so what are they going to do to you if you don’t pay the bill. It’s not going to show on your credit if you don’t pay it, so just stop paying and maybe you’ll get their attention. If it doesn’t, then consider it compensation for your trouble.”

I know that it’s not legally sound advice for me to hand out to you, but I’m thinking that since their employee told me to stop paying my bill – and yes, it was one of those recorded conversations so they can find it – I may have some ground to stand on.

I wish my customer service agents would commit their companies to letting you off the hook for your credit card debt.

Rantasaurus Says: My next credit card will definitely come from Juniper Bank. Whatever SS# number they have for me, I’m just gonna go straight to the “no paying” thing.

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Jordan, financial analyst

What kills me are my family members who grill me on how much I make, and when I finally relent and tell them, they act like assholes about it.

So, assholes, from my own experience, I’ve seen that it takes these things, in this order:

1. Balls – big fucking “I’m not going to give up because you say I can’t do something” balls. Ambition will get you farther than anything else you can control. Women, you are fully capable of cock-slapping a fool, so don’t think this excludes you.

2. Brains – While a charming smile and great tits are certainly assets, if people think you are missing a chromosone every time you open your mouth, you aren’t going to make it.

3. Luck – Not getting hit by a bus or knocked up by your rapist stepfather is a big help.

4. Looks – This is waaaaay down the list. If you have at least two out of the top three going for you, then #4 is just icing on the cake.

Rantasaurus Says: If you think I’ve got great tits, you should see my charming smile.

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