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I am sick to death of AT&T and their ‘low prices’ on DSL! The SOB’s advertise it for 14.99 a month, but, low and behold, every single time I call to them to ask about it, the suckers ALWAYS say, “This is not available in your area.” ARG

I pay 39.99 for AT&T DSL. The SAME DSL they offer ‘new customers’ for 14.99 a month! What the hell’s the deal? I am sick to death of ‘new customers’ getting all the ‘deals’. And I am sick to death of being told the offer is ‘not available’ in my area. WTF? What area IS this DSL available in – Siberia? And why do people who have absolutely NO LOYALTY to the company get the good deals? GRRRRR

AT&T has me, though, and they know it. If I don’t use their DSL service, I have to use dial-up, because no one else offers DSL where I live. (I live 3/4 of a mile out of town and that’s too far!) They had better be glad, though, because if there WERE other services available, I’d tell them, “KISS MY WHITE ASS!!!!”

Boss Brat

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Mark S, happy with his manhood 

How many more times will I get a variation of the mail-box clog about improving my manhood? I find it quite a bother to be continually told that nature forgot to endow me with the package that would make it difficult to wear a normal pair of jeans, let alone walk without a pirates peg-leg limp and that some monk sitting constipated has come up with a solution just for me.

I mean, how do they know I need help? Did the cybergeek Star Trek addict that formulated this and and other mind-numbing delete-key-deserving drivel somehow spy on me in my shower with an infrared telephoto wi-fi webcam bought at spysrus.com?

I fully understand the concept of mass advertising. But when an e-mail arrives at my mailbox, addressed to me specifically and my name used in the greeting instead of, say, an impersonal entry such as “Dear joke of a man,” I take insult.

The spammer is one of those dog-butt-sniffing, child-molesting porno star wannabees who needs to be neutered so that his progeny who will no doubt be born with less than the one brain cell and will never breathe the same air as us higher life forms. The spammer’s instrument is the one that needs recalibration, not mine.

For had he checked more thoroughly my curriculum vitae before adding me to his mail clog list, he would have known that I don’t need male enhancement. Had he surveyed the many women I known before, he would have gotten a response that would have made him seek me out for advice on how to use his tool more effectively. From the first to the latest, women who have experienced me, recall me with a returning glow of fond memory.

Rantasaurus Says: Oh, Mark, those were beautiful April nights in Paris… er…. yeah. Spam sucks.

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Lindy, a loyal FedEx customer 

I’d like to give a big ol’ shout out to UPS!

It starts with “FUCK” and ends with “YOU.” Wait, well I guess that would be the entire thing. FUCK YOU!! There, don’t I feel better.

This is the SECOND time in a row that I have used thier online package pick-up and deliver service (at work). And for the second time IN A ROW no truck has shown up.

I called this morning to see wtf and I followed my usual rule of being polite and cheerful because I know that it’s not the fault of the lady on the phone. I calmly and professionally explained that we were supposed to have a truck come yesterday, one never showed up and that I needed some assistance in getting one here.

The lady on the phone then proceeded to tell me that my package had already been picked up. Gee. Ummmmmm, well that’s funny because I’m LOOKING AT IT RIGHT NOW! But I know she was reading from a screen telling her so. So I politely informed her once again that no, I’m sorry it’s still here.

At this point this bitch (why yes, she is a bitch now, not a lady) proceeded to give me a lecture about being careful when we put multiple packages out on the dock because it can confuse the driver and they might take the wrong one – which she is sure happened yesterday.

What? WHAT THE FUCK??? I only had ONE FUCKING PACKAGE in the first place you SKANK! And if I DID have more than one package those fuckers JOB is to differentiate between package A and B. Gosh OH NO!!! What if there is a package C!!! What will we DO?!?! The sky will fall!!!

No! You dumb bitch. Those drivers do a damn good job, they can figure this shit out just fine thank-you, it’s your company’s STOOOPID fucking worthless website that fucks things up. Your website that didn’t forget to CHARGE us even though it was never going to send a truck.

So FUCK YOU and your panty-waste, whored-out, syphilitic website!

Rantasaurus Says: One time I tried to send a T-Rex egg UPS. It hatched in transit and now I’m blacklisted. So be thankful, Lindy. Thankful!

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Dear over-privileged student,

I understand that your internet connection in the FREE housing you’ve been provided is not operating correctly at the moment. Trust me, our IT department has been working on it. In fact, they were already working on the problem when you called me. They were still over there when you then came to my office to ask about it twenty minutes later.

Yes, I did give you the correct extension for the girl who runs our help desk so you could call back to check on it. The fact that “she didn’t answer” is no reason for you to call me and tell me “she didn’t say her name on the voicemail.”

Let me give you a couple of tips:

  1. If someone doesn’t answer their phone, it’s probably wise to leave a voicemail. People do not have endless bladder capacity and, therefore, sometimes must leave their desks to go to the bathroom. That is exactly where she was when you called for the third time today.
  2. Since the outgoing message on the IT Help Desk actually says “You’ve reached the IT Help Desk”, you can probably bet that you were calling the correct number. Just because I said the actual name of the person who runs the Help Desk does not negate the fact that I also said the actual phrase “the person who runs the Help Desk.”

You apparently lack key listening and critical thinking skills.

Also, giving the Help Desk girl attitude when she tells you that they’ll look at the problem tomorrow is NOT a good idea. She leaves here at 5:00. You called her at 4:30. The problem is on our ISP’s end, and there is no way they’re going to get anything done in thirty minutes.

So, since people have been dealing with not having internet since, say, the dawn of humanity, I think you can go less than 24 hours without your precious wireless access.

Stop Whining,

The Student Wrangler

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Dear AT&T,

I was just wondering if these “technical difficulties” your website AND your automated bill pay system are experiencing are just a ploy to get people to pay you more money. The past several times that I’ve tried to pay my bill online, your website has been down. “Temporarily Unavailable” my ass. I decide to dial *729 like you’ve told me to do in the past, in order to pay my bill on the phone. Oh guess what?! It’s temporarily unavailable as well. Imagine that.

I work funky shifts and I SWEAR to God every time I even think about going to pay my bill at a regular store it’s fucking closed. I don’t know if it’s the area I live in or what, but the damn thing is only open for 5 minutes a day. No matter what time I go to work, how early I get off, it’s ALWAYS closed. How am I supposed to give you my money? I really wish these technical difficulties meant that I didn’t have to pay my bill, but I’m sure you’ll still find a way to cut me off. And no, I’m not sending you a check. You’ll cut it off before it gets to you and charge me a $36 reconnection fee, and frankly I’m not down with that.

Speaking of which, thanks for cutting my phone off on my birthday last month because I was 2 days late, that was real sweet of you. I was starting to think all of my friends and family had forgotten about me. Way to ruin my birthday.

You know, AT&T, you’re real full of yourself. Ever since you merged with Cingular and got that shiny new iPhone, you just think you’re the shit. Well, screw you. I have better things to do with my money……..

Lucky for you I’m addicted to text messaging.

*sigh* Tiffany

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Dear Barbara:

I can’t quite figure out why you were hired or how you even got through college. If you ask me one more time how to copy a file from a disk to a hard drive, or how to find something on the server, I’m going to scream loudly and obscenely, regardless of my proximity to the boss.

Furthermore, I understand that you’re working low-level data entry and that it’s boring. I get that. I used to do your job. However, complaining loudly and in a slow, whiny drawl doesn’t do anything to make it less boring, it just makes the rest of our jobs harder, because suddenly we’re having to block you out! Also, your “subtle” attempts at weaseling your way out of the work you’ve been assigned by asking us what we’re doing and if you can also do it are, well, pretty damned obvious.

Plus it’ll never happen because — what are you again? Oh right! Part-time data-entry! Do what you were hired to do and quit your bitching! If you hate the job, go find another one and stop making all of the rest of our days at work so painful.

Thoroughly annoyed,
Fortuna

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BoggyWoggy, don’t mess with our doggies

We have 3 large dogs. We live outside city limits in a neighborhood of 1/3 acre-plus sized lots.

One night, while out dining on our deck with guests, our next-door neighbor showed up with some contraption he’d purchased on the Internet. In front of our guests, he explained that our barking dogs were bothering him so much that he wanted to share a “solution.”

I said, “I didn’t know our dogs were barking.”

He said, “They bark when you aren’t home. It’s gotten to the point of insanity, ’cause they bark at me while I’m trying to mow my lawn and it’s really bugging me.”

I said, “I didn’t know they were barking when we weren’t home. I guess since we’re not home when it happens, we had no idea there was a problem.”

He said, “It’s been going on for years.”

Anyway, he’d purchased an anti-barking machine. He wanted to hang it on our fence. I said, “What does it do?”

He said, “When a dog barks, it lets out a horrible, high-pitched noise. This stops the barking.” He then demonstrated the noise. We all cringed and held our hands over our ears.

I said, “But, we have 3 dogs!”

He said, “Yeah, I know. So what?”

I said, “Well, idiot, if one dog barks, the machine will emit the horrid sound. If the others dogs are, say, chewing on their butts at the time, they’ll begin to believe that chewing on their butts makes the machine blast, so then they’ll stop chewing on their butts and be miserable, with itchy butts they cannot scratch!”

Freakin’ neighbor looks at me and says, “Huh?”

Then I said, “It’s basic psychology, Mr. ___! Don’t you EVEN hang that machine on our fence!” He walked away, scratching his head.

That night, I went on the Internet and purchased a machine that makes a horrid sound whenever any assholes approach our house.

Rantasaurus Says: – emits unbearably loud, high-pitched sound –

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