Archive for the ‘Weather’ Category

Dear Mister Finch,

I do remember with distinct clarity the day you appeared upon my window sill. It was the last hard rain of April, a brilliant full-arc rainbow materialized upon the verdant green hills surrounding my home, then, as if from some romantic line of poetry or sweet lyric from a song, you landed outside The Number Two Window (of Four) which lines my home office vista.

Beautiful and Poignant: a small brown and gray bird, sharing my space. Peering at me. Even Charming. So much so that when I told my father, he commented that you must be a Messenger of some kind, here to tell me some tale. A friend said that you appeared to mark a new path in my life, a true Harbinger.

That was the first day we were together: me pecking away at my keyboard, and you joining in, pecking away at the glass like something out of Mary Freakin’ Poppins.

It is now almost July.

Please go away.

Or for the love of God, stop your infernal rapping in the middle of my slumber! And tell me why and how you discovered the location of my bedroom window?! On the opposite side
of my house?!

The only one which I cannot open, for if I indeed could open it, i would lace bread crumbs with poison for you to mistakenly feed on!

Go away!

Do you migrate?

Please don’t tell me I must wait for winter.

Please don’t tell me that was you who did that on my windshield either.

I don’t want to get a cat.

I hate cats.

R. Dario

Rantasaurus Says: Our very talented graphic artist, ladies and gentlemen, has quite the poetic streak. Nice use of flowery language, Rob, to mislead us as to the true nature of your hatred for the finch. Good work. You get an English major stamp of approval.


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Jeff, your friendly neighborhood dealer

Please indulge me for a few minutes as I’m going to try and make your next trip to Las Vegas a much easier experience. I was born and raised in L.A. but I moved to Vegas in 1992 and became a casino dealer. I primarily deal 21, Roulette, and Pai Gow Poker. I also deal Let it Ride, Caribbean Stud Poker and 3 Card Poker.

In my fifteen years as a dealer I have grown weary of all the usual complaints from the average tourist – many of which are not the fault of the tourist. This is no accident on the part of casino management. Everything in Vegas…EVERYTHING IN VEGAS is designed for only one purpose…ONLY ONE PURPOSE – to take every dollar you have in your wallet, your bank account, your kids’ college fund, you house payment, car payment and whatever you have hidden in that coffee can in your closet.

This may sound redundant since most people already realize this, but
do you realize to what degree the House (the casino) goes to guarantee their win?

In this informative and hopefully enjoyable multi-part Rantasaurus Mini-Series I will do my best to dispel all the usual myths, misconceptions, and legends that surround Las Vegas gaming, due in part to movies, television, and those “Professional Gamblers” the Travel Channel hires to bullshit you.

As I do it, please be advised of one thing: Whether or not you (or I) think it’s a question of right or wrong, good or bad, fair or unfair, you must understand that casino management doesn’t care what you or I think – it’s simply THE WAY IT WORKS IN LAS VEGAS.

The rules and procedures are in stone and there is no grey area, as this is the most “Black and White” place you will ever see. There are winners and there are losers, period. The casino concerns itself with NOTHING ELSE. The sooner people realize this, the happier you’ll be when you’re walking the length of The Strip in the middle of August when it’s 118 degrees in the shade weeping about their upcoming home foreclosure…

My first two points reference a lack of customer service in Vegas. If you are the kind of person who enjoys Top Drawer Customer Service on your vacations, and you are the typical hard working member of the “Working Class” who lives on a budget without money to burn, do not come to Las Vegas because you will be kicked in the teeth. In Vegas you are not a customer. You are not a guest. You are player, a gambler, a MARK.

After you make that long, boring drive on Friday night and you walk into a busy casino expecting the staff to be at your beck and call, you have watched too many re-runs of The Love Boat. A casino is not a cruise ship nor is it that all inclusive resort you stayed at in Cabo last year – and it’s certainly not Fantasy Island where there is “Smiles everyone, smiles!”

1) Customer service here will not find you – you will have to search it out because there are fifty thousand other people trying to accomplish the very same thing at exactly the same time. For every ten frowns you will find a smile. Ask that employee what his/her schedule is and stick with them.

Ever since Corporate America invaded Las Vegas, the typical casino staff has been cut down to a minimum and this is the number one reason why you WILL WAIT. Many employees are on the “Extra Board” which means it’s possible they work six day weeks, back to back. People tend to get tired and cranky as they’re working twelve straight days.

2) Just because the cocktail waitresses wear those tight, revealing, sexy outfits it doesn’t mean they are whores, strippers or will provide you with a lap dance. In many cases they are hard working parents with kids to feed just like you and they don’t appreciate inappropriate comments, mindless come-on’s or a well placed pinch. If you plan on parking yourself at a gaming table or a slot/video poker machine and will be ordering drinks, keep one very important thing in mind: YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON DRINKING.

When a single waitress is handling one whole side of the pit or an entire section of machines, YOU WILL WAIT. After taking fifty drink orders she will then battle her way through the crowd to the service bar. She will wait behind the five other girls ahead of her while the ONE BARTENDER fills everyone’s orders. After you have been waiting twenty thirsty minutes do not ask the dealer “WHERE THE HELL IS THAT FREAKIN’ WAITRESS??” because you will not like the answer. Unless she is a mean spirited bitch, it means she is waiting for your drink to be made among the other two hundred.

In upcoming rants, I will address gambling procedures, tipping etiquette, card counting, shuffle tracking, myths about Nevada law and other important things you need to know about Vegas. Don’t be shy – feel free to leave any comments you want and ask any questions you have. I will be honest and very candid with my answers. I feel very strongly about this because I’ve seen too many people have a very bad time in Las Vegas.

Rantasaurus Says: Now, I’m not one to argue but… but… can’t I just give that waitress one little pinch? For good luck? I hear it’s all about luck in Vegas.

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Tiffany, pleased to serve you some whoop-ass

I am a weather woman. I am to know the weather: how much it’s going to rain/sleet/snow, etc. I am to know the temperature at any given moment, and I am to know if it’s going to warm up or cool down. I am also to know the average percipitation for this area during all seasons. If I don’t, I’m not helpful enough. If I do, you’ll tell me I’m wrong and that you heard it differently on the news.

I am an atlas. I am supposed to know the exact mileage from here to Knoxville, TN and exactly how long it will take to get there. I should also know every single hotel between here and Indianapolis, how much they charge, and if they have an indoor pool.

I am to know the phone number and location to every Days Inn in the entire world. Nevermind the fact that we have an 800 # specifically for that purpose. I should also be able to make a reservation at any one of those hotels through our computer, even though our computers aren’t linked in any way. Yes, I can make your reservation with out knowing your name, address or credit card information.

I have control over ever fiber of this hotel. From the air conditioners to the telephones. If it breaks, not only is it my fault, I did it on purpose. I have absolutely no problem giving you a discount because someone coughed at 2 am and woke you up. How dare I put you in a room close to other people.

The check out time of 11:00 am is really only for show. You can check out whenever you want. The maids don’t have to clean that room and get it ready for someone who might be checking in at 3:00. We’ll lose revenue for that room too, but it’s okay. You are special and you can do whatever you want. Yes, you can have 10 pillows. Yes, you can eat breakfast at 10 even though it ends at 9:00. And yes, we’ll move furniture/appliances from other rooms to your room at midnight because you want to microwave a burrito.

I will be at your beck and call 24 hours a day. I am your personal secretary, as well. I will take messages, send and recieve faxes, and make you 900 copies all at no charge. And no, I don’t mind watching your kid while you make a phone call. Because that’s what I get paid for, right?

The bottom line? Most travelers are rude, inconsiderate idiots. I’ve lost track of how many people have mistaken our hotel for the Ramada, even though we have a HUGE sign in front of the building stating otherwise. I can’t tell you how many times someone has asked me what state they are in or what interestate they should take to get to Michigan. Didn’t you bring a map? It worries me that the roads are filled with drivers who have no clue of where they’re at. There are signs that tell you these things, you know.

My advice? Get a clue, bring a map, and remember that you’re not at the Hilton. Also, please stop flushing your used condoms, food, clothes and keys down our toilets. Act like a human being. Thanks.

Rantasaurus Says: If I can’t have my seventeen pillows and my breakfast ready at 10 pm and every daily newspaper from here to Peking, I am not staying at your hotel, Miss, and wipe that weatherwoman grin off your face.

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RantyRex, world’s best submitter

Why on earth can’t these guys predict the weather any better? They find it nearly impossible to predict the next day, yet they’re forecasting next week’s weather. I can look out my window and predict more accurately than the guys with their computers and satellites.

Then the floods come. Why weren’t we warned? We tried to predict them, but you gotta admit: floods happen every winter, so whats the problem here? You think this year you weren’t going to get flooded?

The only thing they can accurately predict is the sun coming up and going down, but I bet they have a computer telling them that, too.

 Rantasaurus Rex: You know, I spent about two million years hating Velocoraptor, our weather guy, for being unable to predict that comet that wiped all my friends out. Then I realized… that comet got his ass too!

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